is BBV confessions thread 2009:
after graduating from college, i moved back home for a few months to save some money before moving into an apartment. one night at a bar, i meet this pretty cool chick. exchange numbers and agree to hang out again sometime.
on a saturday night a few weeks later, we make plans to rent a movie and drink some wine at her place, but first i had to go out to dinner with my family.
now since i was 16, i had always been lactose intolerent. i kept it under control by usually not consuming a lot of dairy products. if i did have the occasional dairy product i either a) ensured i took the lactaid pills before hand or b) absolutely knew i would be close to a toilet soon after.
my favorite meal in the entire world is cajun ribeye steak with bernaise sauce (heavvvvy dairy). as it turns out, that was the special at the restaurant that night. however, no pills. i couldn't resist and ordered it.
delicious steak. we leave the restaurant, stomach feeling okay, and decide to not wait it out and head on over to this chick's place, about 15 minutes from my home.
i get over there, take my coat off and put it on her couch. we watch some bs tv, have a few glasses of wine, good conversation, when i feel that 'oh ****' perculation moment. now if theres one thing i will never do, and history has taught me well, is to take a dump in the presence of a lady before the 14th date.
at this point, i know i can't possibly light up her bathroom. i know i have about 5 minutes to get out of there before detonation. so i make an excuse, offer to take her out to dinner the next night to make up for it. she's cool with it. i thank the heavens and start to head out as i feel my timer ticking down.
she insists to walk me to my car a few blocks away. ****.
what seems like forever, cheeks clenched in tow, we finallly get to my car. i am dying in agony. the sweats start. she gives a quick kiss and we part ways. i watch as she turns the corner back into her apartment building.
now the fear over ****ting my pants finally enters my realm as she is walking away. with nothing near by, i realize i have no choice but to skirt away from the street edge and squat it out about 5 feet back from the street. luckily it was a dark area, but still could be blatantly visible to anyone passing by on foot.
i start to take a dump right there, laughing a bit at the prediciment i have found myself in, when the chick comes running around the corner.. yelling 'wait! you forgot your jacket!'
like a dear in headlights i just froze. couldn't move a muscle as she stares directly at me, watching me take a disgustingly huge crap on her neighbors yard. she screams in terror. drops my jacket and runs.
that was the last time i ever heard from her.