Poker jokes

Radau neblogu angedotu/juoku pokerio tema, galvojau pasidalinsiu

What is the…difference between a large pizza and a professional poker player?

The large pizza can feed a family of four.

I was playing poker…with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

From the new hand nicknames department…AK: Anna Kournikova. Looks great. Never wins.

What is the…difference between prayer in a church and at the poker table?

At the poker table, you really mean it.

Two rules for…success in poker:

1) Never tell everything you know.

From the poker dictionary: lottery (noun):

A tax on people who are bad at math.

Some nuns at…a small convent were left a modest estate. Each nun got $50 in cash to give away as she saw fit. Each nun announced how she would spend her bequest. Sister Ann decided to give her share to the first poor person she saw. Right then, she saw a beggar across the street that looked down on his luck. She walked to the man, slipped him the $50, and said, “I’m Sister Ann. Godspeed, my good man.”

The next day, the man returned to the convent and rang the bell. "I'd like to see Sister Ann," he said. The nun at the door refused this, but offered to give a message. The man said, “Give her this $100 and tell her Godspeed came in second in the third race at Aqueduct.”

A blonde woman…was on a girls’ weekend in Las Vegas. She stood in front of a candy machine, put in two quarters, turned the knob, and a candy bar fell out. She repeated the process, and again a candy bar fell out. Elated, she tried again as a man approached, saying, “Excuse me miss, what are you doing?”

She said, “Hello! I’m winning here!”

Don’t Ever…use a fake Jamaican accent at a Caribbean Stud Poker table.

How do you…get a sweet little 80-year old woman to yell (^#&^?

Get another sweet little 80-year old woman to yell “BINGO!”

How do you…get a professional poker player off your doorstep?

Pay him for the pizza.

What is the…difference between a poker player and a dog?

The dog will eventually stop whining.

Tommy had a…serious gambling problem and was a terrible poker player too. Every time he came home from the casino, his wife asked how much he lost.

One night, he didn’t come home at all. Finally, he staggered in at 9 AM. His wife started in on him, but he cut her off. “I have to confess. I got drunk at the bar last night and went home with a beautiful cocktail waitress.”

“Don’t give me that bull,” she replied. “How much did you lose last night?”

Dear John, I’m sorry I broke off our engagement. I miss you terribly and regret my decision. Please take me back.

Love,

Mary

PS. Congratulations on winning the World Series of Poker Main Event.

A man comes home…from his weekly poker game late. His annoying wife is waiting for him. “Where the heck have you been?”

“Sorry, but I lost you in a poker game. You’ll have to leave.”

“How did you manage that, you fool?”

“It wasn’t easy. I had to fold a royal flush.”

What is the…difference between a professional poker player and God?

God doesn’t think He’s a professional poker player.

Why didn’t the…elephant like to play poker in the jungle?

Because there are too many cheetahs.

The regular Friday night poker…game was still going strong after midnight. One of the players returned from the restroom, saying “Bill, I just saw your wife in the bedroom with Frank!”

“OK, that’s it, guys. This is definitely the last hand.”

Some cowboys were…playing poker in an Old West saloon. One of them laid down the winning hand, and another jumped up, yelling, “He’s cheatin! He aint playin the cards I dealt him!”

A doctor answers…his phone at home on a Friday night. His colleague says, “We need an eighth player for poker.” The doctor replied, “Hold on. I’ll be there ASAP.” As he was grabbing his coat and keys, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “It sure is,” he said. “There are already seven other doctors there!”

The regular Friday night…poker game was going on when John lost $500 on a single hand, had a heart attack, and died. “Who’s going to tell his wife?” They drew cards, and Bill drew the low card. He knocked on John’s door and told his wife, “John lost $500 at poker tonight.”

She turns red and yells, “Tell that $#* to DROP DEAD!”

Bill walks away sheepishly and says, “I’ll tell him.”

A man hears a voice…that tells him “Quit your job, sell your house, and go to Las Vegas.” He ignores it. The next day he hears the same voice telling him “Quit your job, sell your house, and go to Las Vegas.” He ignores it. On a third day, he hears the voice again; saying “Quit your job, sell your house, and go to Las Vegas.” He finally obeys.

Upon arriving in Las Vegas, the voice says, “Go to the Rio.” He does.

At the Rio, the voice says, “Put your last $10,000 on a WSOP entry.” He does.

The first hand of the tournament, the man is dealt A A. “Go all in,” commands the voice. He does and gets three callers. The flop is J T 9. “F*%$!” says the voice.

Top Five Reasons…you are delusional about poker:

1) You think you’re ready for the WSOP because you money in $5 SnGs all the time, dude!

2) You own a killer pair of sunglasses that would make Fossilman jealous.

3) You quote from Rounders whenever you can, especially if someone asks what your cards were. You always answer, “I’m sorry, John. I don’t remember.”

4) You own a minimum of twelve poker books. You’ve read at least two of them.

5) You wear your Party Poker hat and sunglasses to live $1/2 games.

I’ll end with…the funniest poker picture I’ve seen in my life:

o ka reiskia "f lee jonz"?

o ka reiskia "f lee jonz"?

Galbūt fucking ly džuonsas? bet čia tik spėju

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HPNodDhzZQ&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Efacebook%2Ecom%2Fhome%2Ephp%3Fref%3Dhome&feature=player_embedded

mokomes is naujo zaist

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-yLQ0sAfr7M

Cia tik vienas is jo video, juokingi visai

šitas dar geresnis

Cia is 2+2, lol.

Conversation that ensued after I sat down at a Step 5 Higher table. I fixed it to make it more readable. It starts out a little slow, but I'm just reeling him in. I spice it up towards the end....

Dealer: skinsftbl has joined the table.

Dealer: Waiting for 9 more players to start the game.

BB0UJA: skinsftbl wats up

skinsftbl: sup

BB0UJA: not doing to well man

skinsftbl: sorry to hear

BB0UJA: dropped 5k today at the steps and 2k nl tables

BB0UJA: hows it going for you

skinsftbl: medium.. havent played today yet

BB0UJA: ohh

BB0UJA: do you remember me

BB0UJA: do you recognize my name?

skinsftbl: nope

BB0UJA: weve played a few times before

BB0UJA: im the guy from the leaderboard

skinsftbl: k

BB0UJA: this your first 5k tableha?

skinsftbl: yeah, it is

BB0UJA: yeah ive never seen you here

BB0UJA: ive seen you at the steps a few times i think

BB0UJA: the 1k step

skinsftbl: yeah, true

BB0UJA: anyway skins

skinsftbl: anyways

BB0UJA: i came to ask you for a big favor if you can

skinsftbl: k

BB0UJA: i came to see if you can loan me 400 until tommarow evening

BB0UJA: reason being i do western union and my cash wontbe in until tommarow

BB0UJA: i mean if you can do it i will pay you back with interest

BB0UJA: what you think skins

BB0UJA: can you float me?

skinsftbl: how do you not have $400?

skinsftbl: I'm confused

BB0UJA: i do western union thats why

BB0UJA: i dont do bank transfer

BB0UJA: on a bad day like this id probably make party players rich lol

skinsftbl: i mean in your account though

BB0UJA: i do western union to control myself

BB0UJA: i dropped a bundle today

skinsftbl: oh.. I feel ya. good idea about the western union to cool down

BB0UJA: yeah

BB0UJA: i do western union to control myself

BB0UJA: i just went right now

skinsftbl: how much did you have before your bad run?

BB0UJA: i usually have like 7k in account minimum

BB0UJA: but ive been cashing out all month

skinsftbl: that's a little low for the steps, don't you think? Or is that for self control?

BB0UJA: just opened me a wholesale bussiness in michigan

skinsftbl: nice

BB0UJA: 7k i play alot more 200s though

BB0UJA: maybe 1 1k step

BB0UJA: a day

BB0UJA: but yeah thats it

skinsftbl: oh, ok. sound about right

BB0UJA: or i would qualify from the lower steps

skinsftbl: dude, I dunno. I've been where you're at before and I wish I had thought to wait a couple days

skinsftbl: hard to turn around when the cards aren'y hittin you

BB0UJA: true but thing is

BB0UJA: i want to play a multi special tonight

BB0UJA: i mean if you can float me skins

BB0UJA: i will pay you back 450

BB0UJA: 50 interest for a day

BB0UJA: 25k here is not bad

BB0UJA: are you there?

skinsftbl: hey man, from one poker player to another, I think you gotta sit today out

skinsftbl: I'm not gonna let you do this to yourself

BB0UJA: i have to qualify for a tournament thats why

BB0UJA: yeah i know but thing is i need to qualify for a multi tables tourney

BB0UJA: if i dont qualify today i dont get it

skinsftbl: man, i dunno

skinsftbl: what tourney?

BB0UJA: ppm

BB0UJA: sup satelite

skinsftbl: yeah.. I mean, do you think you can play right? or will you be off your game?

BB0UJA: yeah i think i can play right

BB0UJA: i mean im up overall

BB0UJA: im sure ill get it back tommarow

BB0UJA: when i go to the 200 games

BB0UJA: i mostly a 200 sng player

skinsftbl: you said it yourself man, western union. I don't wanna lose another player to tilt

BB0UJA: do really well in the 200s

skinsftbl: I mean, I'm trying to think about your well-being

BB0UJA: naw man

BB0UJA: skins i understand you feel me but i need to get three packages for the ppm thats why

skinsftbl: BB.. you have a gambling problem

skinsftbl: you need to get help

skinsftbl: It happens to the best of us

BB0UJA: trust me i dont

BB0UJA: honestly

BB0UJA: im up 800k on party man

BB0UJA: i play alot of poker

skinsftbl: that's what an addict would say man

BB0UJA: 800k

BB0UJA: check my stats on prophecy

skinsftbl: I was there one time... listen to this story

skinsftbl: I was playing way too high for my bankroll

BB0UJA: ok

skinsftbl: and I lost it all in one day.

skinsftbl: I borrowed 10k from a good friend, who was pretty wealthy

BB0UJA: k

BB0UJA: wow

skinsftbl: lost it within 3 hours.

BB0UJA: wow

skinsftbl: since the money didnt mean that much to him, I tried to see if there was anything I could do

skinsftbl: like, instead of paying him back

BB0UJA: ohh

skinsftbl: cuz he's the type of guy that likes to see people do stupid stuff for money

BB0UJA: lol

skinsftbl: so, he told me to eat 1/2 lb of my own poop

skinsftbl: no joke

BB0UJA: ok and what did you do?

BB0UJA: dam

BB0UJA: XXXX that

skinsftbl: and I did it. but thats not all

skinsftbl: he made fun of me like, all the time

skinsftbl: from that day on

skinsftbl: and one time he was gonna tell my girl about it

BB0UJA: wow'

skinsftbl: and, i really didnt want her to know

BB0UJA: yeah

skinsftbl: I stabbed him dude.

skinsftbl: i XXXXing stabbed my friend

skinsftbl: he's alive tho... but he can't walk

BB0UJA: get the fuc out of here

skinsftbl: and he sued me hard

BB0UJA: and?

skinsftbl: I played poker for 5 years and paid the settlement

skinsftbl: spent 2 years in jail first tho

BB0UJA: how much was it?

skinsftbl: 500k

BB0UJA: dam

BB0UJA: but the guy cant walk

skinsftbl: so dude, don't play today. You might eat poop and stab a dude

BB0UJA: aand hes a millionaire probably

BB0UJA: comon man

BB0UJA: for 400 dollars

BB0UJA: i have my own established bussiness bro

skinsftbl: is $400 worth eating poop and stabbing your best XXXXing friend!

skinsftbl: ?

BB0UJA: but thing is my cash wont be in until tommarow

BB0UJA: naw man

BB0UJA: i will pay you tommarow bro

skinsftbl: no. I won't let you face what I face.

BB0UJA: honestly

BB0UJA: lol

BB0UJA: how am i going to face what you did

skinsftbl: learn from my mistakes

BB0UJA: lol

skinsftbl: also...

BB0UJA: what you make me eat my XXXX for 400 dollars

BB0UJA: would

skinsftbl: stop this stupid scam

skinsftbl: moran

(long pause)

BB0UJA: ]skings

BB0UJA: you think im scamming you'

BB0UJA: thats the dumest story ive ever hurd by the way

(he left)

Man tai sitas patiko

When do you know you're playing too much poker?

When you go into a bakery and ask for a free roll.

Lošiau turnyrą ir vienas čiuvas kiekvieną botuma pradėjo vogti blindus ir vienas parašė : Every bottom steal blind no, no, no.

Poker Pro moko kaip reik zaist poker. Genius!

"Oh i got note on this player - kill this motherfucker"

čia puikus pavyzdys kaip reikia žaisti final table

cia jau juodas jumoras.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lG-uxlo2FwQ&videos=_IfjTcTTDBg&playnext_from=TL&playnext=1 Pats geriausias poker joke:)

Kai ji pasako: I thought you got a pocket Kings, pažiūrėkit į Phil Ivey veidą.